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23.12.10

I'm home!

Also, it's almost Christmas! Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year mostly because of my two younger brothers. Every year they wake me up at an insane hour (usually five or six am), jump on me and drag me out of bed. "Santa was here! Santa was here!" The eldest of the two would lean over the rails of the stairs and gawk at the presents under the tree. When we were all assembled, they would run out, the excitement in their eyes, and start ripping at the paper on their respective presents. Blue and Red has been the wrapping paper of choice for as long as I can remember and even the youngest, who has cerebral palsy, is used to this system of present separation.

Around ten they would be exhausted but still cradling the "favorite" amongst that year's haul. They'd play with these toys for weeks! But because they're almost eight, this magic is slowly waning. A day ago I had to make the eldest write a letter to Santa because he hadn't even written one. Both my boyfriend and I guilted him into it. "Santa doesn't give presents to kids who don't send letters!" one of us said. "Yeah, I sent mine by email weeks ago." Unwilling at first, he finally asked with some trepidation, "Is it gonna get there on time...?"I smiled and assured him I'd send it priority mail.

The other brother, much more innocent for a lot of different reasons, is still safe from the daunting reality of parents being Santa. But the other is, I'm sure, on his last Christmas as a "believer." I guess I'll have to watch The Polar Express with him until he can't take it any more. ;D

But for now I feel as if my babies are growing up too fast for me (and trust me, college does not help one bit). I wonder if this is how moms feel when a crucial age is passed. When kids stop believing in things like Santa and the Tooth Fairy. For now, I'll enjoy every moment to the fullest. Every smile and laugh and wonder-filled eyes as they gaze at the things the mystical and jolly old man left them.

Maybe next year it won't be the same. Maybe he'll find the presents stashed in mom's closet. Maybe one of his friends will tell him. Either way, I've reached a conclusion. Growing up is difficult. Watching your brothers or children grow up is worse. However, curiosity will always exist, happiness, wonder and a little innocence. I'll just have to enjoy it in different ways.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Happy Anythingyoubelievein!

And, as a funny little quip: http://isitchristmas.com/

Song of the moment: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" -Bright Eyes

19.12.10

"catharsis"


One of those cool things out there on the internet.

Very...dystopian. 


18.12.10

No. Comment. (lol)

"Your blog is looking very pink....and feminist." -my boyfriend

Oh yes, yes it is. ;D

Just for you, babe:


Song of the moment (ironically enough): "My Heart Belongs to Daddy" -Julie London

10.12.10

The Vagina Monologues.

"The Vagina Monologues is made up of a varying number of monologues read by a varying number of women . Every monologue somehow relates to the vagina, be it through sex, loverapemenstruationmutilationmasturbationbirthorgasm, the variety of names for the vagina, or simply as a physical aspect of the body. A recurring theme throughout the piece is the vagina as a tool of female empowerment, and the ultimate embodiment of individuality."

My Vagina Was My Village:

http://www.imow.org/wpp/stories/viewStory?storyId=1114

Ok, this isn't the monologue I'm performing but it's my favorite. There is something so moving about the words and the subject matter and I cannot read it without crying.

I believe it to be a staple when attending and all-women's college that you act in the Vagina Monologues at least once. I am immensely proud to be able to have the opportunity to do so on my first year here. The collection itself is a marvelous testament of what it is to be a woman and all the things that can go both terribly wrong and amazingly right. It's about womankind and universal experiences. If you haven't read them, I highly encourage you to do so. You'll laugh and cry and even get angry. 

Plus, it's on Amazon.

Song of the moment: "Cooler Than Me" -Mike Posner

7.12.10

Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up...

            Yes, yes. Scold me for not coming back sooner. Really, I blame it on college. However, it was more me procrastinating than anything else. When we left off certain dramas had happened, I was about to go off for liberal college X and life was just being interesting to me. However, about four months have passed and in college, four months is a life time (or, really, just a semester). Chinese, Philosophy, Art History and Geology. Good God. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. 

         Of course, my severe procrastination and undiagnosed ADD don't help. Much less the WiFi accessible campus with its beautiful trees and amazing scenery. A girl cannot concentrate on the likes of Kant and Gao Laoshi (one of three Chinese teachers -the one that hates me.) if there is so many other things to explore! And, trust me, I haven't lacked in the adventure department. I'll keep hush on those but know that I've tried to behave like the normal college girl I am and that sometimes lends itself to some drunken insanities (e.g. laying on a road in 24ºC weather à la "The Notebook" with oncoming traffic on both sides). Although it's not all about the booze or the parties. Just getting on a bus and getting lost can be the most rewarding experience.

             And so, college has taught me a lot of things. It has taught me that I'm NOT a philosopher (no matter how hard I try). It has taught me that I can be a decent actress (hellz yeah, I was in my first play!). It has taught me that I am kind of OK in the "living pseudo-alone" arena and that I'm a lot less fearful than I thought. I've challenged myself and failed and aced and realized I just want to keep trying. I'm just
 beginning to discover and figure out who I am. I'm going to break rules and follow them and just be who I am supposed to be.

Even in the dead of winter.

Have you ever seen snow fall all around you? 
It's one of the most peaceful experiences you can take part in. 

So, I'm changing. Like the leaves that changed and showed me the most beautiful Fall I've ever seen.







Sometimes I wish I knew what the future held but the not knowing, the tripping up and getting up and starting all over again seems so worth it.

And so I leave you with three little pieces of advice:

Don't plan things!

Go with the flow.

Let the world surprise you.

...and you'll find yourself in the process.

Song of the moment: "When the Saints Go Marching In" -Louis Armstrong

8.7.10

Some things are better left unsaid.

I've had a whole week to think about what I should say in this post.

To say that one of my fears was realized is an understatement... And, as of right now, I'm in between this vast chasm of feelings. I'm angry, because my trust was betrayed and because of how hypocritical this has all seemed. I'm more or less appeased because I was the one chosen, the one loved, the one whom which a future can be foreseen. And yet I don't feel completely happy. I feel like there's more to the puzzle. There's more to figure out. There's more trust to be taken away.

I guess these feelings come from being vastly insecure in some aspects.

Why? Is one question that comes to mind. My Latina blood screams for revenge, to hurt that bastard, to make him feel what he made me feel and, yet, I don't have the energy for it. I feel like my love for him makes me not want to hurt him as he did me. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? I feel like I'm not respecting myself. But, respecting myself would mean losing him -something I also don't want to go through.

So, I'm giving up self-respect for a relationship I feel good in. Somehow, I don't know if this is such a good trade-off for a man who not only cheated but didn't trust me enough. What am I supposed to do? At least he chose me. But he also never planned on telling me. Which... brings me to this blog's title. Are things better left unsaid? If you think about the big picture, then yes. There are things people just aren't ready to deal with. But what if a relationship is at stake? Someone's feelings? Someone's happiness? When should we draw the line?

Lying is a dangerous game to play.

You will most likely be found out. In which case, why do it in the first place? When I asked this question, the answer I received was "fear". Somehow... I don't think this is a sufficiently robust answer -given the situation. Or, if you think about it, any situation. Fear shouldn't be a driving point to someone's lying. That's just another pathetic excuse that falls into the same queue as all the others.

And, once someone is found out, what should one believe? Should one just assume that everything is a lie begging to appease its listener? For some, my approach to this could seem almost cold, stringent. Yet... as I stated above, when am I supposed to draw the line? Is there a line? The world is full of lies and its liars and we have to live amongst that and sift through all the twisting lines and have faith. We just have to believe what we are being told is, indeed, a truth. We can't prove otherwise, can we? Not until it's too late to completely fix a situation.

Which begs the question.... Is it ever too late to fix something?

Gabs

Song of the moment: "The Blower's Daughter" -Damien Rice

4.7.10

Americana

“You’re stupid, hahahaha, that’s ‘cause you’re Puerto Rican!” Imagine my mortified face and the hot blush (that you couldn’t tell was there because of my dark skin) that was attacking my cheeks. And then imagine the few silent seconds as my mind processed what had been said. I was fifteen when I first encountered the harsh reality of racism and it was from a boy from Topeka, Kansas. Looking back, I’m pretty sure there are a lot of other things he could’ve told me, however, the hurt would still be there.

Ever since that summer morning, I’ve been puzzling over what pulls people to act a certain way towards things they are ignorant of and I cannot think of one reason to excuse such a behavior. I puzzle because I think back to what I was taught in Ethics, in History, even in English: America is a melting pot. This idea of cultures coming together, melting and molding, paints a beautiful picture of people being able to accept and promote difference and understanding between each other. Nevertheless, history has also shown us how widely idealistic this idea of a “Melting Pot” really is. Racism, tension, even violence, has tainted a fading ideal and yet it still doesn’t stop people from searching for the Utopian “American Dream”.

We are searching for that dream because we truly believe it to exist –even in the simplest of ways. People work through racism and marginalization because they believe in a better future that, in many ways, entails working through the insults with a brave and unwavering face. As long as the yearning for the “American Dream” continues to exist, the melting pot will continue to expand and meld into an amorphous mass of whites, blacks, yellows and browns and there will come a point where people won’t be able to distinguish between what they deem as right and the aspects of mankind society has deemed as wrong. And in the face of such adversity, I shout loud and proud, “I am ‘Americana’ ”.

Hoping to get the job I applied for!

Gabs

Song of the moment: "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

10.6.10

Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Baking, I have realized, is just like life. I know my stepfather would disagree but, to me, it's all about trial and error. Sometimes, following the recipe to the letter might not guarantee a perfect product but making some mistakes is what makes the experience worthwhile. Moreover, as you make these experiments (say, baking some cookies) over and over again might yield spectacular results. In life, the same principles can be applied.

Dealing with people is just like dealing with volatile ingredients such as baking powder. Pour too much into the batter and something horrible could happen. The same thing happens with people, say something wrong or do something that, in their eyes, is bad, and something just as terrible could happen. Let's face it, we're as complicated as a 7-tier, fondant-covered, sugar flower-decorated, chocolate and raspberry-filled wedding cake. See how difficult?

And yet, just like the brownies, cookies and mouse I have just prepared (God, I need a job), you can't go into projects with fear. You can't be afraid to tell someone something just for the possibly distant fear that it might upset them in the long run. We might not be as strong as hardened caramel, but we're built to overcome most of anything. You keep something inside too long and it might just make you collapse faster than a soufflé near too much noise.

Food analogies aside, the real lesson to this is that you can't, for the sake of simple sanity, allow yourself to become bottled up with emotions. People are indeed difficult but so is making a delicate checkerboard cookie. Toil and labor for your aims. Make a mistake or two! Who knows. Maybe you'll end up with a great result. A wonderful dessert for you to share.

Bonne chance!

Gabs

Song of the Moment: "Always on My Mind" -Michael Bublé

1.6.10

Looking ahead.

Today, I got my quilt for college. In a way, this hot pink, plushy disaster makes it all the more evident that I will be leaving home in T-3 months and I'm starting to get stressed. This also comes from the fact that registration opens in four days and I'm completely torn about which classes I want to take. I have like a million (slight exaggeration) requirements to fulfill, not to mention PE classes. As of right now, all the information I need is compressed into a tiny OneNote Side Note.

Check out what the college website told me:

  • Take a first-year seminar either in the fall or spring. Most of these are writing-intensive and also fulfill a distribution requirement. All first-year seminars are 4-credit courses.
  • Take a course each semester in a subject you like and have studied successfully in the past.
  • Take a course each semester in a completely new subject.
  • Take at least two courses that will meet distribution or College requirements.
  • Take a physical education course (PE) in your first year. A total of six PE units are required to graduate. PE units are not counted as academic credits.
  • Make sure your courses are spread out reasonably throughout the week. We also encourage you to balance your course work with cocurricular activities, community service, and exercise.

I think (maybe it's just me) this is just too much information. And let's look at the requirements:

  • Group I—Humanities

Three courses from three different disciplines are required from Group I, including at least one course from each of the following two subgroups—A and B.

A. Arts, language, and literature: art, classics, dance, English, film studies, French, German studies, Greek, Italian, Latin, music, Russian, Spanish, theatre arts, or an interdisciplinary course in arts and literature.

B. History, philosophy, religion, or an interdisciplinary course in this area.

  • Group II—Science and Mathematics

Two courses from two different disciplines are required from Group II, including at least one laboratory course in a natural or physical science; both courses may be laboratory science courses.

  • Mathematics, statistics, computer science, or an interdisciplinary course in this area.
  • Natural and physical sciences: astronomy, biological sciences, chemistry, geology, physics, or an interdisciplinary course in the natural and physical sciences. (A few science courses are available without labs, but only one non-lab course may count toward the Group II distribution).
  • Group III—Social Sciences

Two courses from two different disciplines are required from Group III: Anthropology, economics, geography, politics, psychology, sociology, or an interdisciplinary course in the social sciences.


Can you hear my brain short-circuiting? Oh yeah. And, I know, this drama might come from my actress-like tendencies but, seriously! And I've also been given an ultimatum by my mother: "Get good grades or come back home." Puerto Rico is a pretty long ways away (for me) from Massachusetts people!! But taking "easy" courses are not in the plan.

However, my choices so far are amazingly safe: French 101, Art History, International Politics and... still unclear about that third course. It'll probably be something I'm hilariously bad at (like Statistics) so I can scrape off requirements. God. The future scares me.

Happy Glee Tuesday!

Song of the moment: "Put Your Records On" -Corinne Bailey Rae

25.5.10

Eureka!

It seems that the only times I achieve actual and luminescent clarity is when I watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. For every time I watch it, one of my inner unanswerable questions is answered... Case and point: right now. As Gene sings of a magical world and takes a bite out of a teacup, I have just realized something terribly disappointing.

I am in love with a fairytale.

It took me about three years, three trips to Europe, two fateful meetings, and one friend that knows me all too well to get me to realize this but now that I finally have, my mind is somewhat clearer. To my friends, this story must sound like Lady GaGa's "Alejandro" on repeat. I've been in love with him since the beginning, and, for many different reasons, I think I always will be.

I think it has something to do with first loves...

You never really forget them, do you? They stand like mountains in the back of your mind, hanging on with unseen roots. You always come back to them in some way and, if the love was truly as strong, you look for them in every other one you meet. And even if they break your heart, you'll go back to them. You want them in your life. You'll stoop down until your dignity is hanging precariously between shame and sanity.

"The Russian".

In true honesty, "The Russian" has been the butt, face and bellybutton of many jokes among my friends. This is mostly due to how he's treated me but it is, somehow, heightened by my supposed blind faith in an idea. An idea, I say, because we've been in the same room a combined total of maybe 15hrs. Actually, maybe less. And still the longing remains.

The "fairytale".

I idealized him and I idealized us. I lost track of reality. But it seems reality has finally struck. I imagine the course of our relationship as a giant Venn Diagram. One circle, me, the other circle, him. We live different lives, exist in different realities... except for that one clear moment where our paths cross. However, sooner or later, our wildly different lives will separate us into a whirlwind of experiences none can really relate to.

We're friends.

If you can call it that. Sometimes I feel like conversations are forced, awkward. But... Like I said, anything to have him there. And it is these times that I choke most on my feelings. You can't just whisper a hesitant, "I still love you." over a computer screen.

A fairytale because nothing will ever come from whatever it is I think I'm sharing with him. It's unreal yet real. A small glimmer of truth in an ocean of dreams.

Song of the moment: "I Dreamed a Dream" -Les Miz

24.5.10

The poem I fell in love with...

The Look

by Sara Teasdale

Strephon kissed me in the spring,
Robin in the fall,
But Colin only looked at me
And never kissed at all.

Strephon's kiss was lost in jest,
Robin's lost in play,
But the kiss in Colin's eyes
Haunts me night and day.

Song of the moment: "You're Not Alone" -Saosin

20.5.10

The four words no guy wants to hear.

"No sex before marriage."

Really, such a simple sentence -phrase, even- shouldn't have that much weight. But, to the guy I'm currently pseudo-dating, saying that was a very bad mistake. Although he swears upon everything that it doesn't matter, his face just as I said it told the real story. His eyes wide, his jaw slightly slack, he stuttered out a small, "Ok..." and went on his way (he was leaving my house, after all.).

What's with the stigma of "saving yourself"? I understand that this decision comes tied with a big religious connotation but what about those of us who'd rather just stay safe, away from the glaring eye of an unplanned pregnancy or a damaging disease? What if you're simply not ready?

The pressures for a girl to "put out" for a guy are just ridiculous nowadays. And this is coming from an eighteen-year old who grew up in a pretty sheltered society. I shudder to think about all those girls who don't have nice boys around to respect them. The ones who are having sex at thirteen because it's "cool" and will make them popular. The ones who get used and tossed and ostracized either because they did eventually give in to the whims of someone else, or because they decided to stand by their beliefs.

And that's the funny thing, we live in a society where it's OK to have sex, be sexy, be lose. The media teaches its audience, "Hey, it's OK to have sex! It's OK to be a teenage mother! Look at Britney's sister! Look at those "Pregnancy Pact" girls! They did it and they couldn't be happier. They're even getting out attention." This attention, my friends, is being given to the wrong issues.

For me, that one-minute exchange left me feeling confused and a little hurt. But I know that he'll respect me because he's just that kind of person. However, for hundreds of other girls, there might not be a happy ending. They might be black-listed because they said no, or black-listed because they said yes. They might commit suicide if the pressure is too strong, they might break and ruin their lives forever. Whatever the case may be, the ultimate problem is that there isn't a half-way point. In high school, it's either one or the other. In real life, it's pretty much the same deal -except maybe without so much awful drama.

Confused. Disappointed with society.

Gabs

Song of the moment: "The River of Dreams" -Billy Joel

18.5.10

The curious case of the StumbleUpon button.

If you're like me, you have succumbed to adding a small button on your web browser. This innocuous button has a simple word, "Stumble!". Not very complex, you see it and you're tempted to press it. It is then that the magic happens. Surprise! An interesting site pops up. Then (if you are indeed, like me) you lose your concentration completely and are suddenly compelled to click it again, and again, and... again.

It's almost a reflex action to find even more interesting things. For example:

The silly ones:
  • http://wildammo.com/2009/09/26/national-flags-never-tasted-this-good/
  • http://www.listal.com/list/m-p-t-t-t
  • http://www.armchaircommentary.com/2009/11/if-star-wars-luke-skywalker-han-solo-had-facebook.html
These are mostly stupid things but sometimes you get really interesting political pieces and not the bipartisan crap you usually get. Or a website dedicated to French animated shorts. Or that particular artist with the photo-realistic renditions.

The good/sometimes serious ones:
  • http://readersupportednews.com/godot
  • http://www.boredpanda.com/25-photorealistic-pictures-drawn-with-a-bic-pen/ (yes, there are naked people on this site, chill out*)
  • http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2009/8/26/772918/-*Awesome*-Cartoon-Explains-Public-Plan
  • http://www.blog.exxcorpio.com/2009/06/29/12-awesome-french-short-animations/
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9CQDKt8LVo&feature=player_embedded#
Awesomeness aside, this button is dangerous. For those of you who have experienced this phenomenon, you'll know what I'm talking about. The addictive quality to this program does not help at all when, say, you have to finish that English AP term paper worth 15% of your grade. Or, that Religion take-home you've been extending the deadline on... Proceed with caution. And know you will not be disappointed.

Battles:

boredom.
listlessness.

Aids:

procrastination to the nth degree.

*On an important note, I don't know if it's me or something, but I seem to get way too many naked girls. And they always turn out either Russian or Eastern European. Weird... Unnecessary. Unavoidable. (if, in the personal settings you choose "Photography" as an interest)

So if you're ever in the mood, stumble. Like it. Spend hours surfing the vast reaches of the internet.

'Till next time.


Song of the moment: "The Sound of Silence" -Simon and Garfunkel

The odyssey begins.

Ok, I've tried the "blog" thing before and, to be honest, I've never been very good at posting in regular intervals. However, I feel that since I'm beginning a new chapter in my life, I might as well start a new blog. :D

Hi! I'm Gabriella (maybe I should be using some sort of pseudonym...) and I'm a college freshman-to-be at X College in Somewhere, Massachusetts (for fear of retribution from X College, it shall be named as such). Current interests expand from spending days on end in museums (I just love the smell of old paint) to fiddling with my ukulele (which I can't play as well as my best friend). I'm interested in politics and England, art, literature and History. I wish I could speak French and fancy myself a fiction writer.

For now, I'm sure I don't really have readers but welcome. This is a place where I'm going to unload all my feelings into. Rant about my interesting love life (trust me, it's interesting -lol. ;D). Rant about politics in Puerto Rico (SURPRISE! I'm a Latina.). And use you as a test audience for my articles/poems/stories/songs/everything. What do you think? What do you want me to talk about? Comments and opinions required, admired and desired.

Nice to meet you! :D

Gabs