Eureka!

It seems that the only times I achieve actual and luminescent clarity is when I watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. For every time I watch it, one of my inner unanswerable questions is answered... Case and point: right now. As Gene sings of a magical world and takes a bite out of a teacup, I have just realized something terribly disappointing.

I am in love with a fairytale.

It took me about three years, three trips to Europe, two fateful meetings, and one friend that knows me all too well to get me to realize this but now that I finally have, my mind is somewhat clearer. To my friends, this story must sound like Lady GaGa's "Alejandro" on repeat. I've been in love with him since the beginning, and, for many different reasons, I think I always will be.

I think it has something to do with first loves...

You never really forget them, do you? They stand like mountains in the back of your mind, hanging on with unseen roots. You always come back to them in some way and, if the love was truly as strong, you look for them in every other one you meet. And even if they break your heart, you'll go back to them. You want them in your life. You'll stoop down until your dignity is hanging precariously between shame and sanity.

"The Russian".

In true honesty, "The Russian" has been the butt, face and bellybutton of many jokes among my friends. This is mostly due to how he's treated me but it is, somehow, heightened by my supposed blind faith in an idea. An idea, I say, because we've been in the same room a combined total of maybe 15hrs. Actually, maybe less. And still the longing remains.

The "fairytale".

I idealized him and I idealized us. I lost track of reality. But it seems reality has finally struck. I imagine the course of our relationship as a giant Venn Diagram. One circle, me, the other circle, him. We live different lives, exist in different realities... except for that one clear moment where our paths cross. However, sooner or later, our wildly different lives will separate us into a whirlwind of experiences none can really relate to.

We're friends.

If you can call it that. Sometimes I feel like conversations are forced, awkward. But... Like I said, anything to have him there. And it is these times that I choke most on my feelings. You can't just whisper a hesitant, "I still love you." over a computer screen.

A fairytale because nothing will ever come from whatever it is I think I'm sharing with him. It's unreal yet real. A small glimmer of truth in an ocean of dreams.

Song of the moment: "I Dreamed a Dream" -Les Miz

The poem I fell in love with...

The Look

by Sara Teasdale

Strephon kissed me in the spring,

Robin in the fall,

But Colin only looked at me

And never kissed at all.

Strephon's kiss was lost in jest,

Robin's lost in play,

But the kiss in Colin's eyes

Haunts me night and day.

Song of the moment: "You're Not Alone" -Saosin

The four words no guy wants to hear.

"No sex before marriage."

Really, such a simple sentence -phrase, even- shouldn't have that much weight. But, to the guy I'm currently pseudo-dating, saying that was a very bad mistake. Although he swears upon everything that it doesn't matter, his face just as I said it told the real story. His eyes wide, his jaw slightly slack, he stuttered out a small, "Ok..." and went on his way (he was leaving my house, after all.).

What's with the stigma of "saving yourself"? I understand that this decision comes tied with a big religious connotation but what about those of us who'd rather just stay safe, away from the glaring eye of an unplanned pregnancy or a damaging disease? What if you're simply not ready?

The pressures for a girl to "put out" for a guy are just ridiculous nowadays. And this is coming from an eighteen-year old who grew up in a pretty sheltered society. I shudder to think about all those girls who don't have nice boys around to respect them. The ones who are having sex at thirteen because it's "cool" and will make them popular. The ones who get used and tossed and ostracized either because they did eventually give in to the whims of someone else, or because they decided to stand by their beliefs.

And that's the funny thing, we live in a society where it's OK to have sex, be sexy, be lose. The media teaches its audience, "Hey, it's OK to have sex! It's OK to be a teenage mother! Look at Britney's sister! Look at those "Pregnancy Pact" girls! They did it and they couldn't be happier. They're even getting out attention." This attention, my friends, is being given to the wrong issues.

For me, that one-minute exchange left me feeling confused and a little hurt. But I know that he'll respect me because he's just that kind of person. However, for hundreds of other girls, there might not be a happy ending. They might be black-listed because they said no, or black-listed because they said yes. They might commit suicide if the pressure is too strong, they might break and ruin their lives forever. Whatever the case may be, the ultimate problem is that there isn't a half-way point. In high school, it's either one or the other. In real life, it's pretty much the same deal -except maybe without so much awful drama.

Confused. Disappointed with society.

Gabs

Song of the moment: "The River of Dreams" -Billy Joel

The curious case of the StumbleUpon button.

If you're like me, you have succumbed to adding a small button on your web browser. This innocuous button has a simple word, "Stumble!". Not very complex, you see it and you're tempted to press it. It is then that the magic happens. Surprise! An interesting site pops up. Then (if you are indeed, like me) you lose your concentration completely and are suddenly compelled to click it again, and again, and... again.

It's almost a reflex action to find even more interesting things. For example:

The silly ones:

• http://wildammo.com/2009/09/26/national-flags-never-tasted-this-good/
• http://www.listal.com/list/m-p-t-t-t
• http://www.armchaircommentary.com/2009/11/if-star-wars-luke-skywalker-han-solo-had-facebook.html

These are mostly stupid things but sometimes you get really interesting political pieces and not the bipartisan crap you usually get. Or a website dedicated to French animated shorts. Or that particular artist with the photo-realistic renditions.

The good/sometimes serious ones:

• http://readersupportednews.com/godot
• http://www.boredpanda.com/25-photorealistic-pictures-drawn-with-a-bic-pen/ (yes, there are naked people on this site, chill out*)
• http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2009/8/26/772918/-*Awesome*-Cartoon-Explains-Public-Plan
• http://www.blog.exxcorpio.com/2009/06/29/12-awesome-french-short-animations/
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9CQDKt8LVo&feature=player_embedded#
  

Awesomeness aside, this button is dangerous. For those of you who have experienced this phenomenon, you'll know what I'm talking about. The addictive quality to this program does not help at all when, say, you have to finish that English AP term paper worth 15% of your grade. Or, that Religion take-home you've been extending the deadline on... Proceed with caution. And know you will not be disappointed.

Battles:

boredom.
listlessness.

Aids:

procrastination to the nth degree.

*On an important note, I don't know if it's me or something, but I seem to get way too many naked girls. And they always turn out either Russian or Eastern European. Weird... Unnecessary. Unavoidable. (if, in the personal settings you choose "Photography" as an interest)

So if you're ever in the mood, stumble. Like it. Spend hours surfing the vast reaches of the internet.

'Till next time.

Song of the moment: "The Sound of Silence" -Simon and Garfunkel

The odyssey begins.

Ok, I've tried the "blog" thing before and, to be honest, I've never been very good at posting in regular intervals. However, I feel that since I'm beginning a new chapter in my life, I might as well start a new blog. :D

Hi! I'm Gabriella (maybe I should be using some sort of pseudonym...) and I'm a college freshman-to-be at X College in Somewhere, Massachusetts (for fear of retribution from X College, it shall be named as such). Current interests expand from spending days on end in museums (I just love the smell of old paint) to fiddling with my ukulele (which I can't play as well as my best friend). I'm interested in politics and England, art, literature and History. I wish I could speak French and fancy myself a fiction writer.

For now, I'm sure I don't really have readers but welcome. This is a place where I'm going to unload all my feelings into. Rant about my interesting love life (trust me, it's interesting -lol. ;D). Rant about politics in Puerto Rico (SURPRISE! I'm a Latina.). And use you as a test audience for my articles/poems/stories/songs/everything. What do you think? What do you want me to talk about? Comments and opinions required, admired and desired.

Nice to meet you! :D

Gabs