Eureka!

It seems that the only times I achieve actual and luminescent clarity is when I watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. For every time I watch it, one of my inner unanswerable questions is answered... Case and point: right now. As Gene sings of a magical world and takes a bite out of a teacup, I have just realized something terribly disappointing.

I am in love with a fairytale.

It took me about three years, three trips to Europe, two fateful meetings, and one friend that knows me all too well to get me to realize this but now that I finally have, my mind is somewhat clearer. To my friends, this story must sound like Lady GaGa's "Alejandro" on repeat. I've been in love with him since the beginning, and, for many different reasons, I think I always will be.

I think it has something to do with first loves...

You never really forget them, do you? They stand like mountains in the back of your mind, hanging on with unseen roots. You always come back to them in some way and, if the love was truly as strong, you look for them in every other one you meet. And even if they break your heart, you'll go back to them. You want them in your life. You'll stoop down until your dignity is hanging precariously between shame and sanity.

"The Russian".

In true honesty, "The Russian" has been the butt, face and bellybutton of many jokes among my friends. This is mostly due to how he's treated me but it is, somehow, heightened by my supposed blind faith in an idea. An idea, I say, because we've been in the same room a combined total of maybe 15hrs. Actually, maybe less. And still the longing remains.

The "fairytale".

I idealized him and I idealized us. I lost track of reality. But it seems reality has finally struck. I imagine the course of our relationship as a giant Venn Diagram. One circle, me, the other circle, him. We live different lives, exist in different realities... except for that one clear moment where our paths cross. However, sooner or later, our wildly different lives will separate us into a whirlwind of experiences none can really relate to.

We're friends.

If you can call it that. Sometimes I feel like conversations are forced, awkward. But... Like I said, anything to have him there. And it is these times that I choke most on my feelings. You can't just whisper a hesitant, "I still love you." over a computer screen.

A fairytale because nothing will ever come from whatever it is I think I'm sharing with him. It's unreal yet real. A small glimmer of truth in an ocean of dreams.

Song of the moment: "I Dreamed a Dream" -Les Miz